As quite correctly pointed out by most awkward friend, my last post was quite emo.
This is what I actually meant.
I mean, by such flightiness, something that feels unsatisfied at the center of my life – that makes me shaky, fickle, inquisitive, and hungry. I could call it a longing for home and not be far wrong. Or I could call it a longing for whatever supersedes, if it cannot pass through, understanding. Other words that come to mind: faith, grace, rest. In my outward appearance and life habits I hardly change … But at the center: I am shaking; I am flashing like tinsel. – Mary Oliver (Long Life)
[NOTE: TINSEL, NOT GLITTER.]
The lovely black meow from a few posts ago. He turns four today. And is rather fat.
Lately, it seems as though everything gives you cancer. Here is an article about new research that shows oral sex causes cancer. We all know that smoking causes cancer. It isn’t just the tar and nicotine anymore though, or the hot hot vaporised fumes you’re inhaling. Nope, ladies and gentlemen, the bacteria that lives on the tobacco also causes cancer.
Oh, no, there is also a big fiery ball in the sky causing cancer. Which on average haunts us for twelve hours a day, circling the sky, watching, looming, causing cancer.
Sid: “Hey Nancy, I’m just going to go for a walk.”
Nancy: “No Fred, NO! Don’t, the great fiery ball might kill you.”
Sid: “Surely you jest, but all right, what would you like to do?”
Nancy: “We could have teh secks”
Sid: “No Nancy, NO. Teh secks will kill you, oh it surely will.”
The above conversation went on forever and ever and ever, at one point, they just decided to die of very very old age. And starvation, and not breathing. Since eating and breathing, are in fact both causes of cancer.
People, prepare to be smelly. Deodorant causes cancer. Summer is an especially dangerous time. Since not only does the great fiery ball hang around a lot more, you are susceptible to death disease filled grilled meat.
Fear not ladies and gentlemen. There are foods with magical cancer fighting properties.Like tomatoes, berries, broccoli and the ubiquitous green tea. Scientific research on the other hand, has found no correlation between any foods and fighting the evil cancer. Soon, we will be told that these foods, in fact, cause cancer.
So like the poor old couple above, quit smoking, quit eating, do not breathe, run around a lot don’t have regular sex and don’t have oral sex. If you do these things, you will be safe.
I am actually now at the point, where I am too tired to sleep.
How does this make any sense?
So it is no longer 2006, jobs are not abundant and everyone is looking for one. The first step to getting your bills paid is applying. No, it isn’t. It’s perfecting your resume. I just quit my job, I’m serving notice, and I’m going through about thirty resumes a day, sometimes more, to find a suitable replacement.
I now know how easy it is for an employer to simply trash a resume, so I came up with a few tips to help make it easier to spot your mistakes or make your resume super awesome. Here goes.
Run a spellcheck, and correct all grammar
Nothing ruins a resume faster than bad spelling and hard to read sentences. If a person cannot even get their resume right, how can I trust them to communicate with clients, prepare reports, or even write a memo
Do not use narrative, stick to bullet points
The HR department of a company goes through a shit ton of resumes, constantly. They give it about a 30 second read, if even that, before they decide to actually read it. I know I don’t have the time or patience at this point to read paragraphs. Filter everything into neat bullet points and make everyone’s life easier.
Do not lie, it will bite you in the ass
There are a number of times one can get away with this, but a day will come when it will get you fired.
If you know someone who works where you are applying, ask what skills they look for
Life is all about networking. If you have connections, don’t be afraid to use them. Don’t let it hurt your pride. At the end of the day you are not getting hired because of your connections. You are getting hired because they think you can do the job.
Edit your resume for EVERY job. Apply less, but apply carefully.
I cannot stress this point enough. Like I said before, someone reading the resumes will only give it maybe 10 seconds before discarding it because nothing stands out. So many people arbitrarily will apply for a job, without really reading the job description. You have a chance here. Make your self seem like a perfect fit. Once again, don’t lie. But instead highlight and bring forward the skills that the job requires, which brings me to. Use bold text to help make it easier to spot keywords and skills. But don’t overdo it.
Read The damned job description, read it well
Understand what you are applying for. I have so many people who have no clue what they have applied for. This will help you tailor your resume. I called up one guy for an interview, and he had no clue what job I was referring to. Keep a list of jobs you have applied to handy. If you are lucky enough to have an employer call you you should know why. Remember, you need the job a lot more than the employer needs you.
Use a professional email address. Preferably simply your name.
Please do not write to me from firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com, I will be put off.
If possible, convert the resume to PDF format.
Some employers ask for both .doc and .pdf
Definitely put in any leadership or management positions you have held. People like to know you can delegate and supervise
Even if the job in question doesn’t ask for it. It shows growth potential.
Do not use acronyms unless they are mentioned in the job posting.
Put them in Parenthesis on the first mention, just as you would when writing a paper. Remember, HR reads the resume first and they have no in depth knowledge of the field you are specialised in.
READ the job post and reflect if your resume fits it, then make it fit or don’t apply
Had to repeat that one. It’s a biggie. Don’t apply to a job you know you are no match for. The hiring manager will see right through it.
If you improved sales for a company, say by how much if it is an impressive number. Or if you cut down production time or upped buffering speed. Whatever it is. Say how much.
After all is said and done, have at least three people read your resume.
Then read it again. Get by with a little help from your friends.
Finally, read as many resumes as possible.
I only have this knowledge because I have to hire.
If submitting online, try and submit during working hours
This one is definitely an insider tip. I am more likely to spend more time reading a resume I receive during work hours. This is because when I come in at 9:00 am all groggy and have 25 resumes to read. I am not in the mood. So i scan them, and am less likely to find anything that really stands out. If i receive one mid-day, after I’m done sifting through the lot, I will pay more attention to it.
After working for a a year or so, I believe a part of your brain shuts off. You don’t even realise that you have stopped existing within an involved learning process and information is simply absorbed via osmosis. Yesterday I was faced with a problem at work, and usually I will go to a forum, have a look at how someone else dealt with it and wing it.
This time it was different. I lost track of time working towards the solution and when I walked out of the office, I felt strange. Almost lightheaded, and as I bounced around telling my friend what I had done, I realised this is what being a child was like. Running up to your mother or father, crayon drawing in hand. Or dragging someone to come see the collossal cardboard spaceship you built.
This sense of achievement and pride in my own work was overwhelming. I was already buzzing as I sipped my glass of soda. And as my friend looked at me like I was crazy, I said, “It felt like my brain stretched out, and climbed a small mountain today. It hurts, in a good way.”
But yes, things felt good. I feel like I am learning again, and realise that coasting is no fun. Just sailing through life is wrong. It makes you dumb and miserable and turns your brain into mush. Go learn something.
What has me so excited? Spreadsheets.
I had no idea spreadsheets could run macros, backwork formulae. And even, oh my god, it even has logic functions. I feel silly for having gone so long without knowing how amazing spreadsheets were. No more 10,000 cell arrays to achieve a single result. I am simply amazed. This engineer sure had it wrong all this time. Thinking I needed MATlab and Pipeflow to get the solution.
Since I’m so excited, and will spend the rest of the night researching more fun things I can do with spreadsheets; here are a few links: