I can’t get no…

A dissatisfaction comes over me at night. I work 9:30 am to 7:00 pm, at a great job. I’m in a great position, with challenging tasks, and constantly learning and expanding. I spend the nights and evenings with my friends . I have fun and laugh and watch things, and we discuss. It’s not so much a dissatisfaction, as much as it is an uneasiness. It compels me, it drives me to stay awake till odd hours of the night. So late, that At some level, I know. I know I won’t wake up to get to work on time. That I will run in to the office,the official morning meeting apologising for what I knew so many hours prior would happen.

It’s a disease. I’m plagued by this constant need to stay awake and do. To read stories of other peoples lives, to live vicariously. To understand the deepest meaning of a word via dictionary.com and wikipedia. To read every comment on a socially bookmarked link.

It makes no sense. I if step outside of myself, my life is incredibly fulfilling. I have a great job. I’m living up to one of the dreams I decided to have for myself. I have an enviable social life and I can eat anything without getting any fatter.

I don’t know if it’s an addiction to doing, so much as an addiction for that state of mind. Those moments when the circuits in your mind misfire, when all connections made in my mind seem logical. Damn you Conor Oberst. Those ideas that come so easily in the moonlight are not that simple in the morning. Those bursts of thought. That awe inspiring moment of zen that is so evident in those moments, or hours right before I am gone for the night, that is what I crave.

It is akin to being a child. Those times I never truly appreciated, those are what I crave, when in a drunken like stupor, consequences are in-evident. That is what is special. When inventions and words and images are plenty, when I force myself into that state between wakefulness and dreaming, when my imagination runs wild. That is what I search for in the rest of my life. That magic and endless amazement.

This is why I’m so unhappy and angry all the time. Because I don’t have it.