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Because Cancer Is Everywhere

This cloud can save your life. Or kill you.

Lately, it seems as though everything gives you cancer. Here is an  article about new research that shows oral sex causes cancer. We all know that smoking causes cancer. It isn’t just the tar and nicotine anymore though, or the hot hot vaporised fumes you’re inhaling. Nope, ladies and gentlemen, the bacteria that lives on the tobacco also causes cancer.

Oh, no, there is also a big fiery ball in the sky causing cancer. Which on average haunts us for twelve hours a day, circling the sky, watching, looming, causing cancer.

It’s like
Sid: “Hey Nancy, I’m just going to go for a walk.”
Nancy: “No Fred, NO! Don’t, the great fiery ball might kill you.”
Sid: “Surely you jest, but all right, what would you like to do?”
Nancy: “We could have teh secks”
Sid: “No Nancy, NO. Teh secks will kill you, oh it surely will.”

The above conversation went on forever and ever and ever, at one point, they just decided to die of very very old age. And starvation, and not breathing. Since eating and breathing, are in fact both causes of cancer.

People, prepare to be smelly. Deodorant causes cancer. Summer is an especially dangerous time. Since not only does the great fiery ball hang around a lot more, you are susceptible to death disease filled grilled meat.

Fear not ladies and gentlemen. There are foods with magical cancer fighting properties.Like tomatoes, berries, broccoli and the ubiquitous green tea. Scientific research on the other hand, has found no correlation between any foods and fighting the evil cancer. Soon, we will be told that these foods, in fact, cause cancer.

So like the poor old couple above, quit smoking, quit eating, do not breathe, run around a lot don’t have regular sex and don’t have oral sex. If you do these things, you will be safe.

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  1. March 31, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    Hmm. Guess we have to decide what is really the definition of “life.” Without all those things…sounds pretty much like death to me.

  2. March 31, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Very good!!! I’m one of those fools who is just going live my life, and if it kills me, Oh well. The cememteies or full of those who did the same, and those were carefull. Go figure?

    No, you’re not very smart, you’re bloody brillant.

  3. March 31, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    I enjoyed your writing! Sam Kinison said,

    “When it hurts to pee, or salt and sugar kicks your ass, it’s time to get in the box!”

    I refuse to not “live” my life in order to perhaps prolong it somehow…especially if the one’s telling me what to do/not do look miserable.

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